Ann Benger's Testimony

I cannot remember a time when I did not believe in God. As I grew it seemed common sense to me that the physical laws of the universe must have a mind behind them. That I could ever have a relationship with such a powerful being was incomprehensible to me both as a child and as an adolescent, although I had read books about children who did. Despite growing up in a church, it was only as an adult with a small child of my own that I began to understand that such a relationship was possible and, gradually, why God sent his Son to die for me. After the birth of my first child my doctor diagnosed post-natal depression and referred me to a local church. I was struck with the sincerity of the congregation in their worship and furthermore that they had something I did not have. As I continued to search, the Scriptures came alive for me.

One night I was reading and praying through ‘My God is Real’ by David Watson. By the middle of the night my God had become real to me and I became a new, free person. The next day, the world seemed incredibly three dimensional - and the colours! I realised that with God’s help there was nothing I could not do. I became a Youth Leader and introduced Scripture Union material into the Focus time of my local club, helped to run children’s Christian Holiday Projects and when my children started school I became a full time primary school teacher.

Over time, school and family pressures built up and gradually I drifted away from God. I attended church less frequently and eventually not at all, although I still believed. However, God did not give up on me and he wanted me back so he sent two prayer-visiting Christians to my door. When they left, something wonderful went with them, and I knew what I had missing and that I needed to start again from the beginning with God. A few weeks later, I recommitted my life to God, probably more wholly than I ever had, because I had more understanding of what that meant. It wasn’t hard because my God ran more than half way to meet me. I was anointed with oil and entered into a new phase of absolute assurance and trust in God. Never before had I felt so loved - but I had to share it. I could not wait to go prayer visiting myself and share it with those in our parish who do not know that God loves them, is interested in their joys and sorrows and longs for a relationship with them.

During the last year of my training as an evangelist, I was devastated to learn that my daughter, who has two very small children and who lives 3000 miles away, had cancer again and the doctors thought she might die. Where was God in this? I told him (among other things) that I did not understand how he could allow this. Over the last year I have learnt that God is big enough to take my questioning, anger and grief and to love me through it. There were times when I had to cling to the truth I knew because I could not always feel God’s presence and found it hard to praise him, but I know that he has been here, holding me. It would not be in his character to do anything else. One day I shall understand but meanwhile, I have been given grace to finish both courses and to visit my daughter and rejoice in her returning strength. (I would have said that to do both in the time I had was impossible, but, with God, nothing is!) We do not know the future, but God is with me, whatever it holds, and I look forward to sharing it with him and also sharing his love with others at every opportunity.

Ann Benger

Evangelist South Chatham Holy Trinity Church Chatham